It's the end of the world as we know it?

Ladies and gentlemen, the end is nigh!  Maybe.  Or then again, maybe not.  Who knows?  The economy has taken a nosedive, and fuel prices may soon force us to start scavenging road warrior style, wearing mo- hawks and leather get ups.  Sawed off shotguns will run rampant and eventually we'll all be outfitting our Ford Taurus with a cow catcher and front mounted machine guns.  Which, is kind of cool in a post apocalyptic way, and would definitely make your commute to work more interesting.  But before we start supplying ourselves with leather undies, let's take a look at how we might actually save the world from impending disaster.  At least temporarily. 

1. Annex Canada

Ok, this just makes sense.  For too long, our neighbor to the north has basically only served to separate us from our 49th state, Alaska.  Which is a good thing, because frankly, Alaska scares us.  How anyone can reproduce in a climate that cold is unthinkable, the residents have to be part cockroach.  However, the time has come that we make Canada work for us.  It's no secret that Canada's foreign relations are better than ours, as is their health care and overall attitude towards life.  Therefore, it is highly suggested that we annex Canada so we can trade on it's reputation with the rest of the world.  This should be fairly easy to do, considering how easy going and laid back most Canadians are.

America:  Hey, Canada.  Your annexed.  Your now officially part of the United States!
Canada: We are, hey?
America: Yes.
Canada: Ok then.  'ow about some beer and a game of hockey?

2. Sell California to Mexico

This would serve a LOT of purposes.  First of all, it's no secret that California is full of Californians.  Which in itself isn't a bad thing.  But, it also has many Scientologists, which means that if we do this, they'll be Mexico's problem.  This is the plan.

A:The United States offers to sell California to Mexico.  This would allow us fix our deficit. 
B: Mexico borrows the money from Columbia.
C: Columbia sells coffee to make back the money from the California purchase.
D: The United States finds weapons of mass destruction in Columbia and liberates it.  Of it's coffee.
E: Mexico gets tired of trying to keep illegal immigrants out of California who are looking for work in Hollywood, and sells it back to the United States at a loss...which we quickly make up with our coffee sales.

3. Declare war on fuel companies

Ok, so they've figured out how to use corn to make biofuel.  And nows there's a great demand for corn.  Hrmmm...it seems no matter which way we go, we're gonna get gouged by the fuel companies.  Now, we know that traditional oil isn't a renewable resource...but c'mon...corn?

Oh, sure...they make it sound like using the corn for fuel is kinda like turning lead into gold.  But honestly, do you think they are going to try very hard to come up with alternatives when what they are selling makes them an enormous profit? 

Imagine you own a lemonade stand, and there's a huge demand.  You're able to charge as much for it as you want because you know people need it.  Then someone comes up with an idea to make lemonade in a cheaper, more renewable manner.  Now what?  Heres an idea!  Charge almost as much for the new stuff as the traditional lemonade!  Problem solved!  Now the lemonade stand executives can take the rest of the day off to go suck the blood out of someones beloved household pets.

We're wasting our time in the middle east.  We should be liberating the oil companies.

4. Ease the strain on the prison system:  Say HELLO Alaska!

Ok, so we've got these other problems.  An over crowded prison system, and what to do for entertainment during the time that Mexico owns Hollywood.  Simple fix!  We move all the prisoners to Alaska, and make alcohol plentiful.  Then we make the ultimate tv reality show.  Imagine:  Convicted criminals drinking to stay warm and driving on ice out in the middle of Alaska.  Like a cross between Ice Road Truckers and Survivor, but with drunken prisoner antics! 
And best of all...this would make Canada useful again.

Hey, we know that times are hard.  But if we all pull together and make these things happen, it's still possible that we'll be able to salvage America!

But I'm fitting my Chrysler Breeze for front mounted machine guns, just in case.